Why Turning Against Your Partner’s Bids Is So Harmful

In long-term committed relationships, a sense of familiarity naturally develops between partners. However, when intimacy, romance, or sexual attraction fade, this familiarity can become detrimental. A relationship that lacks passion often mirrors the dynamics of a sibling or roommate connection, which can leave both partners feeling unfulfilled.

Understanding Negative Sentiment Override

In this sibling-like bond, couples often find their interactions fraught with competition, challenges, and a lack of productivity. Communication tends to be reactive, judgmental, and frustrating, leading partners to brace themselves for conflict in every discussion. Research by Gottman indicates that repeated negative encounters foster an environment of Negative Sentiment Override (NSO).

Picture NSO as the weather in a relationship; when there is positive sentiment, the atmosphere feels inviting, promoting connection and safety. Partners are more forgiving of each other’s mistakes and display compassion, which aids in reconciliation. On the contrary, NSO creates a stormy environment filled with negativity and dread. Couples become hyper-aware of perceived insults and judgments, finding themselves quick to blame and less inclined to extend compassion or forgiveness, which can escalate into harsh exchanges.

The Cycle of Repeated Experiences

A frequent pathway to NSO is through daily interactions where one partner feels rejected or harshly dismissed when reaching out for attention. A “bid” is any gesture—verbal or nonverbal—that seeks support, affection, or attention from a partner. Gottman’s research shows that in thriving relationships, partners respond positively to each other’s bids 86% of the time, while in relationships trending towards dissolution, this figure drops to just 33%. This stark contrast underscores the significant influence of these small daily actions on the overall quality of the relationship.

Responding to Your Partner’s Bids

The impact of how we respond to our partner’s bids extends beyond the immediate moment; it shapes the long-term dynamics of the relationship. In relationships where partners frequently turn towards each other, individuals feel valued, secure, and connected. Attachment research confirms that feeling seen and heard strengthens secure bonds. Conversely, when partners habitually turn away or disregard each other’s bids, feelings of safety, closeness, and romance erode. Continuous turning away fosters loneliness, disconnect, and isolation, often leading partners to give up on seeking connection altogether, living parallel lives, and, in severe cases, contemplating separation.

The Detrimental Effects of This Cycle

When a partner consistently rejects bids for connection, the repercussions can be profoundly damaging. Initially, the rejected partner may withdraw, becoming quieter and less inclined to reach out. Outwardly, the couple may appear to be in a tense stalemate, avoiding conflict. However, internally, feelings of rejection can stir up fear, hostility, resentment, and judgment. Partners may begin to view each other through a lens of negative assumptions, labeling and diagnosing their partner in ways that hinder progress.

Understanding the Harm of Turning Against Bids

The internal narrative of devaluing a partner may not manifest in overt conflict, allowing the relationship to appear stable on the surface. However, beneath the facade, unresolved tension simmers. When conflict does arise, even a minor issue can ignite a combustion of long-simmering resentment and hostility, resulting in explosive arguments filled with anger and contempt. Partners often feel blindsided by the ferocity of these conflicts, unaware that the accumulated moments of turning against have contributed to this eruption. Over time, these couples find that their disputes become more frequent, prolonged, and difficult to mend.

Daily interactions play a crucial role in relationship health. Many may not realize they are inadvertently misdirecting frustrations onto their partners by dismissing their bids. Cultivating conscious awareness of these dynamics and actively choosing kindness, respect, and receptiveness can profoundly enhance the relationship. Such changes are essential not only for the vitality of connections but for personal well-being and health as well.