In long-term committed relationships, couples often develop a unique familiarity with one another. However, when partners begin to feel distant and lose their sense of closeness, romance, and sexual attraction, this familiarity can take on a negative tone. What happens when a marriage loses its romantic spark? It may start to resemble a sibling or roommate dynamic instead.
The Impact of Negative Sentiment Override
In a relationship that feels more like a sibling bond, interactions may frequently feel contentious, challenging, and unproductive. Both partners may become reactive, judgmental, and frustrated, entering conversations as if they are preparing for battle. According to research by John Gottman, a pattern of repeated negative experiences creates what is known as Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). This phenomenon alters the atmosphere of the relationship, causing partners to focus on the negative aspects rather than the positive.
Think of NSO as the climate of your relationship. In a positive sentiment override, the relationship feels warm and inviting, fostering feelings of safety and connection. Partners tend to show grace towards each other’s mistakes, leading to compassion and easier forgiveness. In contrast, when in NSO, the environment resembles stormy weather, filled with darkness and the looming threat of conflict. During these times, couples are more likely to perceive hidden agendas and judgment in their communications, remaining hyperaware of any perceived slights. This often leads to blaming each other and a lack of compassion, resulting in harsher responses.
The Role of Repeated Experiences
NSO often arises from the accumulation of everyday interactions, wherein one partner feels rejected or harshly responded to during attempts to connect. A bid is any action, whether verbal or non-verbal, that seeks the other person’s support, affection, or attention. Gottman’s research indicates that in fulfilling relationships, partners respond positively to these bids about 86% of the time. Conversely, in relationships facing potential dissolution, this number plummets to just 33%. This stark contrast underscores how these small, everyday gestures significantly impact the relationship’s quality and the way partners perceive each other.
Responding to Bids and Its Long-Lasting Impact
How we respond to our partner’s bids has profound implications both in the moment and for the long-term health of the relationship. Couples who frequently acknowledge and turn towards each other’s bids feel valued, important, and understood. Research on attachment suggests that feeling seen and heard contributes to secure relationships. Conversely, consistent turning away from bids leads to a detrimental environment filled with feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and isolation. Over time, partners may stop reaching out for connection and retreat into their own separate lives, potentially leading toward separation or divorce.
The Damage from This Cycle
When partners consistently turn against each other’s bids, it causes significant harm. Initially, the person whose bid is ignored may become silent, reducing the frequency of their bids. Externally, the relationship may appear stable, characterized by a tense stalemate where conflicts are avoided. Internally, however, feelings of rejection can transform into fear or hostility, leading to resentment and judgment. Instead of cherishing their partner, individuals may internalize a negative narrative about them, labeling them selfish or disrespectful, which is rarely constructive.
The Dangers of Devaluing Your Partner
This internal narrative of devaluing one’s partner may not always manifest overtly, contributing to an illusion of stability. However, when conflict eventually arises, even trivial triggers can unleash significant pent-up anger and resentment. Both partners may find themselves shocked by the intensity of the negativity directed at each other, unaware that these moments of turning against have escalated into unresolved anger. Couples often discover that their disagreements become more frequent, linger longer, and turn difficult to address or mend.
The way we engage with our partners in daily interactions is crucial. We may not be conscious of how our frustrations or stress manifest through negativity toward our partner’s bids. However, by cultivating awareness and choosing kindness, respect, and receptiveness to our partner’s needs, the relationship can flourish. Such changes are vital not only for the well-being of the relationship but also for individual happiness and health.
