“We find ourselves trapped in a sexless marriage. I change for bed in the walk-in closet, while my husband takes his turn in the bathroom. It has been over twenty years since we’ve seen each other naked. Yet, we are reluctant to give up – you are our last hope – can you assist us?”
I first encountered Norm and Sherry two years back when they participated in my complimentary Passion Masterclass. They subsequently joined my 12-week online couples program, where the first message I imparted was:
You Are Not Alone.
If you’ve been in a long-term relationship – specifically, together for several years – experiencing challenges with intimacy and sexual desire is completely normal. In fact, when I conduct surveys among couples at my Masterclass, only 6 percent report having a fulfilling sex life. This trend is consistent across couples of various ages and circumstances.
Why Some Couples Stop Having Sex
Several common factors contribute to this situation:
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- Disconnection in sexual desire – one partner craves intimacy while the other does not
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- Infrequent lovemaking – about 30% of couples fall into a clinically recognized sexless or low-sex relationship, engaging in intimacy fewer than 6 times a year or not at all
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- Challenges with sexual arousal – you may desire intimacy but find it difficult to get aroused
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- You do engage in intimacy, yet it feels lackluster. The passion and creativity that once defined your connection seem to have faded, leaving you unsure of how to reignite the spark
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- Your relationship thrives in many areas – as friends and co-parents – yet the attraction and desire as lovers have diminished
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- You may have attempted to address these shifts together for years, but ended up feeling hurt and resentful
So, how can you work to rejuvenate your intimate life? What steps can you take to communicate about your sexual relationship – or the lack of it – in a constructive, empathetic way that leads to growth and healing?
As discussed in the accompanying video, sensuality is merely one piece within the intricate puzzle of long-term relationships. It forms one side of the Passion Triangle. To enhance sensuality, it’s essential to also cultivate skills in Intimacy and Thrill.
Three Pillars of a Thriving Relationship
The three vital components of an exceptional relationship, according to my Passion Triangle framework, are:
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- Intimacy – Encompassing emotional closeness, effective communication, conflict resolution, trust, and loyalty
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- Thrill – Involving dating your partner, cultivating romance, expressing appreciation, and putting in the effort to cherish your partner as the remarkable individual they are
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- Sensuality – Covering a broad spectrum of touch and eroticism, from playful hand-holding to passionate lovemaking and everything in between
Sensuality is that distinct, enchanting aspect that differentiates romantic relationships from profound friendships and familial bonds. As I often say, a fulfilling romantic relationship is friendship combined with intimacy. While we can fulfill many intimacy and thrill needs within our closest friendships, they don’t encompass the intimate aspect.
So, why do we tend to neglect this precious component of our relationship triangle? Why did sensuality come so naturally in the early stages? Most importantly, what actionable steps can you take to address it?
Three Suggestions to Revitalise Your Sensual Life
1. Open Up Lovingly About Your Sexual Discontent
Addressing sensitive subjects can be daunting. Start by honing your communication skills regarding difficult topics outside the bedroom. Practice active listening while ensuring you manage any emotional reactions with kindness and understanding. Remember, discussing sex can be a charged issue. Couples must first cultivate trust, closeness, and romance to enhance their sensual life – which is why my approach emphasizes comprehensive relationship-building rather than a narrow focus on sex.
Consider Karen and Howard, another couple I had the pleasure of assisting. Two years ago, Howard unexpectedly requested a divorce, leaving Karen in shock. She recalls, “I cried nonstop for two days.” Yet, she decided not to throw in the towel and asked Howard to work on their relationship for six months. They enrolled in my online program. Reflecting on the experience, Howard shares, “When I asked for a divorce, I was utterly finished with the marriage; the lack of intimacy was my primary issue. However, I soon realized that there were numerous unresolved problems between us. We struggled to communicate and shared little joy in our lives. By working with Dr. Cheryl, we discovered how to improve in all areas, including intimacy. Now, we are happier than we’ve been in years, and yes, we are making love again!”
2. Create a Pathway from Absence of Sex to Enhanced Sensuality
If you find yourself in a sexless relationship, this may seem daunting. However, my approach does not suggest you leap straight from no sex to sex. Instead, I encourage couples to collaboratively create small, non-sexual steps that lead toward greater sensuality. We begin wherever you are comfortable.
Remember Norm and Sherry’s journey? They hadn’t engaged in intimacy for decades. They began by sharing gentle, fully-clothed cuddles, progressing to kissing, and eventually having a candlelit bath together, keeping the lights off initially because they felt apprehensive about nudity. They joyfully shared, “Following the program, we are now making love again and feel free to walk around our house naked, playfully slapping each other on the bottom!” While this transformation required time and vulnerability, it serves as testament that reclaiming a sensual existence is indeed feasible.
For those of you who are intimate, reflect on the quality of your experiences. Are you stuck in a routine? Do your encounters follow a predictable pattern, leading to a satisfactory but uninspired outcome? Research indicates that the average sexual experience lasts only 7 minutes from start to finish. While I appreciate the appeal of a quick fix, assess if your intimacy has become stale. Aim to develop your own steps toward generating more imaginative, joyful, and exciting sexual interactions.
3. Prioritize Sensual Date Nights
Let’s be honest: waiting for the right moment to feel sexual may leave you waiting indefinitely. As discussed in a previous video, desire can be spontaneous or responsive. You may fondly remember spontaneous desire, where mutual attraction flowed easily. Unfortunately, that exhilarating connection may fade over time. Instead of waiting for that spark, cultivate the conditions necessary to initiate intimacy, even when the mood isn’t immediately there. Naturally, I’m not suggesting you push past your boundaries. Respect your own emotional and sexual limits. What I advocate for is making your sensual life a priority by scheduling dedicated sensual dates, during which you explore one of the steps you’ve identified on your shared journey to rediscover intimacy.
Sexuality holds significant value within a relationship. Though it may only represent a fraction of a couple’s shared life, it remains an essential component. After all, the essence of libido is vitality. Engaging in lovemaking with your partner is a beautiful aspect of life itself, forging emotional and even spiritual connections. It encourages us to embrace playfulness, joy, and excitement, allowing us to put aside daily stresses and bask in love and pleasure together. So, initiate those loving conversations about the intimacy you wish to reignite – one tender moment at a time.
For those inspired by this discussion, consider joining Dr. Cheryl’s free live workshop focused on the Three Keys to Passion.
