Understanding Emotional Bids: What Are They?
Emotional bids are the efforts made by one partner to engage or connect with the other. These bids can range from overt gestures, like asking for cuddles at night, to more subtle hints like casually mentioning the weather without a specific audience. These moments are crucial in establishing intimacy and signaling a desire for connection.
According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, couples who consistently respond positively to each other’s emotional bids are more likely to experience relationship satisfaction and longevity. Remarkably, in a six-year study focused on newlyweds, he found that partners who maintained a strong emotional bond turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time, while those who later divorced only engaged with each other’s bids 33% of the time.
How to Respond Effectively to Emotional Bids
The little moments within a relationship accumulate over time and drastically impact its strength. Gottman identified four primary ways individuals typically respond when their partner makes an emotional bid. Each response can either build or undermine the relationship’s foundation of trust and connection:
1. Turn Toward Your Partner
2. Turn Enthusiastically Toward Your Partner
3. Turn Away from Your Partner
4. Turn Against Your Partner
Examples of Emotional Bids in Action
For instance, consider a scenario where a husband, tired from a long day, hears his wife comment on the weather. He faces a decision:
- He can turn toward her with a simple acknowledgment like, “Yes, it is,” validating her need for connection.
- He can engage enthusiastically, initiating a deeper conversation about their day.
- He might turn away, ignoring her comment altogether.
- He could even respond negatively, asking for silence in a gruff manner.
While an enthusiastic response is certainly valued, even a small gesture of acknowledgment can greatly enhance your emotional connection. You don’t need to expend endless energy or attention to nurture a thriving relationship.
The Power of Small Gestures
Responding positively to your partner’s emotional bids provides a robust defense against life’s stresses. Each bid serves as a gentle reminder that we ask our partners, “Are you here with me?” or “Do I matter to you?” This affirmation becomes increasingly significant in relationships that have experienced challenges, such as infidelity or trauma. Consistently responding with a metaphorical “Yes!” reinforces trust and deepens the bond between partners.
Become attuned to the little ways your partner reaches out for connection. By making a conscious effort to respond to their emotional bids, you can enrich your partnership. Every positive interaction contributes to the overall health and security of your relationship. This security fosters a deeper intimacy, which in turn correlates with greater marital satisfaction.
As emphasized by John Gottman’s findings, it’s often the small, everyday actions that lead to the most significant improvements in relationships. By embracing your partner’s emotional bids, you protect your relationship from neglect and cultivate a deeper sense of love and connection.
