Reignite the spark in your marriage. Jason and Kendra, who have spent 12 years together and are raising three children, often find their discussions dominated by work, household duties, and their kids’ schedules, leaving little room for romance.
Kendra shares her feelings candidly: “While I love Jason, the passion we’ve once had is missing.”
This revelation surprises Jason, who replies, “I thought we were in a decent place. Even if our intimacy has declined, I considered it a temporary phase. By the time I crawl into bed, I’m completely wiped out.”
In the earlier years of their union, Kendra and Jason enjoyed a vibrant sexual connection. Unfortunately, this intimacy has faded, and opportunities for alone time without the kids have become scarce. When Kendra seeks intimacy, Jason often retreats.
Experts indicate that a common reason couples lose their passion is due to a pursuer-distancer dynamic that can develop over time. Dr. Sue Johnson refers to this cycle as the “Protest Polka,” highlighting it as one of the three “Demon Dialogues.” She notes that when one partner adopts a critical and confrontational stance, the other tends to become defensive and withdraw.
Research by Dr. John Gottman, based on studies of thousands of couples, shows that those who fall into this pattern within the initial years of marriage face an over 80% likelihood of divorce in the first four to five years. Consider taking a complimentary Gottman love quiz to assess your connection with your partner.
Enhancing Emotional Intimacy
A thriving sexual relationship is deeply rooted in emotional closeness. Thus, to revitalize your physical connection, it’s essential to prioritize your emotional bond. Strive to understand and fulfill your partner’s needs while sharing your own in a manner that is loving and respectful.
In her book, The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman emphasizes that couples wishing to rekindle their passion should turn towards each other. Practicing emotional attunement fosters a deeper connection, even during disagreements. This involves extending empathy instead of defensiveness and discussing feelings based on positive needs, rather than focusing on what is lacking.
Dr. Gottman advises that expressing a positive need is essential for both the speaker and the listener, as it allows for complaints and requests to be made without blame. As he articulates, “This transition requires thinking about what one’s partner can do right rather than what they are doing wrong. Essentially, the speaker conveys, ‘Here’s how I feel and what I need from you.’”
Reignite Sexual Chemistry
In the beginning stages of marriage, many couples often feel euphoric and consumed by each other’s presence. Sadly, this enchanting state has a shelf-life. Research indicates that oxytocin, known as the bonding hormone, releases during initial romantic feelings, creating an intense sensation of joy associated with physical contact—it almost acts like a narcotic, enhancing our attachment to our partner.
Simple gestures such as hand-holding, hugs, and gentle touches go a long way in reaffirming your affection. These moments of physical connection pave the way for deeper intimacy that celebrates pleasure. Sex therapist Dr. Micheal Stysma recommends challenging yourselves to double the time spent on kisses, hugs, and intimate touches as a means of strengthening your marriage.
Maintaining sexual attraction over time can be challenging. For Kendra and Jason, their dwindling passion stems from a reluctance to be vulnerable and relinquish control. Consequently, they steer clear of intimacy and physical affection. As sex therapist Laurie Watson points out, “Most sexual difficulties originate from broader issues in the marriage.”
The Gottman Relationship Adviser, a pioneering tool designed for couples, eliminates the ambiguity in nurturing your relationship. Start by assessing your relationship health through a research-backed self-evaluation, and then receive a personalized digital relationship plan designed to heal and enhance your bond.
