Reignite the Flame in Your Marriage
After 12 years of marriage and raising three children, Jason and Kendra find themselves navigating a sea of routine discussions about work, household chores, and their children’s activities. Their relationship has settled into a monotone rhythm, devoid of the vibrancy it once had.
Kendra expresses her feelings candidly: “I love Jason, but the passion just isn’t there anymore.”
This revelation catches Jason off guard. “I thought we were doing okay,” he replies. “Sure, we don’t have sex very often, but it feels like just a phase. By the time I crawl into bed, I’m completely drained.”
In the earlier years of their relationship, Kendra and Jason shared a passionate bond. Alas, that fervor has slowly faded over time, diminishing their intimate life and the moments they spend together sans children. Whenever Kendra seeks closeness, Jason instinctively pulls away.
Experts point out that one of the prevalent reasons couples lose their intimacy and passion is the emergence of a pursuer-distancer dynamic. Dr. Sue Johnson refers to this cycle as the “Protest Polka,” falling under the umbrella of three “Demon Dialogues.” She illustrates how one partner’s escalating criticism often drives the other to retreat into defensiveness.
Research conducted by Dr. John Gottman on numerous couples indicates that those caught in this cyclical pattern during the early stages of marriage have over an 80% likelihood of facing divorce within the first four to five years. A valuable way to assess your relationship’s health is by taking the Gottman love quiz.
Enhance Emotional Closeness
A fulfilling sexual relationship is deeply intertwined with emotional intimacy. If improving your physical connection is on your agenda, nurturing your emotional bond should be your first step. Strive to understand your partner’s needs while expressing your own in a loving and respectful manner.
In his book, The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman underscores the importance for couples seeking to restore their passion to turn towards one another. Practicing emotional attunement enables you to remain connected, even amidst disagreements. This involves demonstrating empathy rather than defensiveness. Both partners should communicate their feelings by focusing on positive needs, rather than what they do not want.
According to Dr. Gottman, articulating a positive need leads to a more fruitful interaction for both partners since it frames complaints and requests in a way that avoids blame and criticism. He states, “This requires a mental transformation from identifying what’s wrong with one’s partner to recognizing what they can do to help. The speaker effectively conveys, ‘Here’s how I feel, and here’s what I need from you.’”
Rekindle Your Sexual Chemistry
In the initial stages of marriage, it often feels like couples can barely catch their breath, buoyed by the excitement of new love. However, this euphoric state doesn’t endure indefinitely. Scientists have determined that the bonding hormone oxytocin, which is released during the exhilarating phase of infatuation, enhances feelings of euphoria and physical desire.
Simple gestures like hand-holding, hugs, and gentle touches can effectively reaffirm your love for one another. Such physical affection creates an environment conducive to intimate encounters focused on enjoyment. Dr. Michael Stysma, a sex therapist, suggests aiming to double the time spent kissing, hugging, and engaging in sensual touch to enhance your marital bond.
Maintaining sexual attraction over time can be challenging. For instance, Kendra and Jason’s lack of intimacy stems from their hesitance to relinquish control and embrace vulnerability. This avoidance leads them to shy away from sexual encounters and diminishes their physical touch. As sex therapist Laurie Watson observes, “Most sexual concerns originate from interpersonal strife within the marriage.”
The Gottman Relationship Adviser serves as a comprehensive relationship wellness tool for couples, alleviating uncertainties about improving your relationship. It provides a research-based self-assessment to gauge the health of your relationship and subsequently offers a customized digital plan designed to heal and strengthen your connection.
