In her insightful work, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman provides a compelling examination of relationship dynamics, revealing that an astonishing 69% of relationship issues are unsolvable. These challenges often stem from inherent personality traits or deeply rooted disagreements about finances. Gottman’s research underscores the importance of couples learning to manage conflict rather than trying to evade or eradicate it altogether.
Attempting to resolve these persistent problems can lead to frustration, as it’s unlikely any couple will ever fully eliminate them. However, engaging in open discussions about these issues paves the way for growth and understanding. Here are three “conflict blueprints” designed to help partners navigate and manage their unsolvable problems effectively.
Conflict Blueprint #1: Addressing Current Conflicts
This blueprint is focused on tackling immediate conflicts. Rooted in principles from game theory, it encourages both partners to postpone persuasive tactics until they’ve clearly articulated their viewpoints. This approach involves taking turns as both speaker and listener.
Emotional composure is crucial when engaging in this discussion. The listener should jot down key points while the speaker speaks, who should begin with a softened start-up, express feelings using “I” statements, and articulate needs in a constructive manner.
Tips for Navigating Current Conflicts:
- If emotions escalate, take a brief 15 to 20-minute break to engage in calming activities. Upon return, ensure only one partner speaks at a time to prevent interruptions.
- Initiate discussions with a gentle or curious tone. For instance, “Can I share something? I felt uncomfortable when you talked to me that way in front of our friends. Could you please keep that in mind?”
- Implement repair attempts by using phrases to diffuse tension and convey understanding, such as an apology, appropriate humor, or affirmations like “I hear you.” Body language also plays a vital role—maintain eye contact, nod, and offer affectionate gestures.
Conflict Blueprint #2: Healing Past Emotional Wounds
This blueprint addresses the need to discuss unresolved emotional injuries—often referred to as triggers—rooted in past experiences. Dr. Sue Johnson identifies these as “attachment injuries” that can foster lingering resentment, particularly when they involve trust violations.
When discussing these triggers, it’s important to maintain a positive atmosphere. Both partners must recognize the validity of each other’s feelings, even amidst disagreements. The goal is to deepen understanding and acknowledge that regrettable moments are inherent in long-term partnerships.
To address emotional injuries, couples should follow five structured steps from the Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident guide: share feelings, clarify personal perspectives, explore underlying triggers, take responsibility, and develop effective healing strategies.
Tips for Addressing Past Emotional Wounds:
- Offer sincere apologies to your partner, regardless of differences in perspective. Acknowledge their hurt and accept responsibility.
- Clarify what you can own in the situation, along with any external stresses that contributed to the conflict. For instance, “I could have expressed myself better” or “My day’s stress affected my reactions.”
- Inquire about your partner’s needs for healing and actively follow through on these requests.
Conflict Blueprint #3: Transitioning from Gridlock to Dialogue
In relationships, couples may find themselves either “gridlocked” or “in dialogue” over ongoing issues, often tied to personality differences or fundamental needs. The preferred state is dialogue, where partners accept each other’s differences, finding peace even when minor disagreements arise.
Shifting from gridlock to dialogue requires exploring the dreams and meanings that underscore each partner’s viewpoint. This often involves honoring each other’s aspirations and fulfilling core needs related to the ongoing dilemma.
Couples who successfully navigate these recurrent issues have learned to embrace their partner’s personality and appreciate the underlying meaning of each other’s stances.
Tips for Transitioning to Dialogue:
- Take turns speaking and listening. As a speaker, express your perspective clearly, explaining its significance and the core issues at play for you.
- As a listener, create a judgment-free environment. Avoid interruptions, refrain from offering unsolicited advice, and show authentic interest in your partner’s feelings and thoughts.
- Seek small compromises that may pave the way for larger agreements. If you have differing dreams, look for overlapping aspirations or create plans that accommodate both partners’ hopes.
Embracing Conflict Management
Every relationship will encounter perpetual challenges as partners navigate their journey together. As psychologist Dan Wile wisely points out, “when selecting a long-term partner, you’re inevitably choosing a specific set of unresolvable issues.” Recognizing this reality, couples can tap into valuable insights from research to learn how to navigate these conflicts constructively and maintain a thriving relationship.
