Breaking Tradition: How Women Are Redefining Engagement Ring Expectations
When Lauren M. and her husband decided to tie the knot, they chose to discard conventional norms, including the traditional expectation surrounding who purchases the engagement ring. At the time, Lauren, a 31-year-old writer and editor, earned approximately $90,000 annually, while her partner made just $12,600. This considerable income disparity prompted her to buy her own wedding ring—a simple yet beloved $500 band that resonated more with her personal style than extravagant options.
Reactions from Family
While Lauren was comfortable making the purchase herself, her family held a different perspective, particularly her father, who had reservations. “His immediate concern was whether he could take care of you,” she recalls. Although she understood her father meant financially, she felt compelled to defend their relationship, emphasizing her partner’s emotional support, which she valued far more.
Questioning Her Choice
Despite her conviction, her father’s words lingered in her mind, leading her to reconsider her choice to buy her own ring. She appreciated that it aligned with her lifestyle as a nomad—preferring something low-maintenance that she wouldn’t worry about losing during her travels. However, she remains open to upgrading in the future, even as she grapples with feelings of needing to downplay her role as the primary breadwinner when introducing her husband to new acquaintances.
Changing Financial Dynamics
Lauren is one of many young women today who out-earn their male partners, resulting in a shift in the traditional roles of engagement ring buyers and financial providers. Recent statistics reveal that the proportion of women purchasing their own engagement rings has doubled, now accounting for 14 percent of purchase decisions. Interestingly, women typically spend about 33 percent more on these rings than their male counterparts.
“There’s this deeply entrenched patriarchal belief that women aren’t pursuers; they should be pursued, and the ring is part of that.”
Gender Income Parity Advances
While the wage gap remains a pressing issue, younger generations—particularly Gen Z and millennial women—are making strides to narrow this gap. Data from the Pew Research Center shows that in 22 metropolitan areas, young women are now earning as much or more than their male peers. This progress is largely attributed to higher rates of college graduation among women in these generations and a trend toward delayed motherhood, allowing their incomes to remain stable.
Struggles Against Societal Norms
This shift is empowering for women’s financial independence but complicates the realities for those raised on the belief that men should be the primary earners and provide engagement rings. “I have feminist friends who still hold on to the idea that he needs to buy the ring and ask for my hand,” states Candice Maier, Ph.D., a licensed clinical therapist. The pressure to conform to antiquated norms can create tension, especially since many women still envision the traditional romantic proposal associated with financial security.
Conversations Around Engagement Rings
Discussions on platforms like Reddit and Quora reveal the anxiety many women face when considering purchasing their engagement rings. Posts titled “Thoughts on brides buying their own engagement rings?” exhibit women’s hesitation and concern regarding how such a choice reflects on them and their partners. Many feel compelled to clarify that their partners are not irresponsible, underscoring the persistence of outdated beliefs regarding who should be the ring buyer.
The Historical Context
To understand the origins of these beliefs, we must look back at the history of engagement rings, which date back to Ancient Rome, where such rings symbolized love and, disconcertingly, ownership and obedience. The practice of exchanging expensive rings only became a norm within the last century, fueled by market manipulations by diamond companies like De Beers in the mid-20th century, which established diamonds as a requisite for engagement.
The Strain of Traditional Expectations
As women increasingly take on the role of financial providers in heterosexual relationships, they often face pressure that stems from societal expectations surrounding money and gender roles. They may feel the need to uphold traditional structures, contributing to feelings of inadequacy when these ideals are not fulfilled. “When men earn less, they risk feeling less like a man. This can lead to resentment, while women might feel compelled to diminish their success,” notes Maier.
Seeking Equality in Relationships
Women breadwinners can feel overwhelmed by the dual burden of financial responsibility coupled with the emotional care for their male partners, who may struggle with traditional notions of masculinity. This dynamic can lead to feelings of burnout and contributes to higher divorce rates among couples where women out-earn their partners.
Challenging Norms and Making Choices
Women’s desires for higher-earning partners do not negate their feminist beliefs; rather, they can reflect a practical approach in a patriarchal society. For younger women, it’s increasingly unrealistic to find partners who are financially equal, yet the desire for these arrangements remains valid. “Third-wave feminism is about having the freedom to choose. Whether you want a traditional proposal or a modern partnership, it should be up to you,” asserts Maier.
Redefining Engagement Traditions
Émilie Gille, a 28-year-old from Nashville, chose to split the cost of her $3,500 engagement ring with her husband. “It felt outdated to request someone to buy a ring to prove their devotion. Our engagement symbolizes partnership,” she remarks. Similarly, Lauren shares that her engagement ring represents her ability to redefine traditional norms and create a relationship dynamic that suits both her and her husband.
Embracing Authentic Choices
Naomi Clarke, 35, from Austin, intentionally crafted her own engagement narrative by purchasing her own ring and proposing to her partner, emphasizing that the intention behind these symbols is far more significant than adhering to societal expectations. “We appreciated the meaning behind the ring, but our commitment doesn’t need to fall into conventional molds,” she says.
Moving Beyond Gender Norms
It’s essential that more stories like those of Gille and Clarke circulate in media, showcasing couples who challenge traditional gender roles in relationships. Observing this evolving narrative could encourage others to embrace their own unique dynamics without the weight of societal pressure. Gille concludes, “Starting our marriage on equal footing felt natural to us; we’re partners, so why wouldn’t we share the investment in each other?”
As women explore their choices in relationships and beyond, embracing their earnings and preferences can become a pathway to empowerment, enabling them to craft a shared narrative that aligns with their values and identities.
