When couples seek therapy, they often bring a mutual desire to enhance their relationship. For those couples, the therapeutic journey centers around tackling issues head-on, deepening their emotional bond, and collaborating effectively to foster meaningful change.
However, what happens when you arrive at therapy feeling as though you’re already preparing to leave, while your partner is eager to work toward a resolution? You may find yourself considering separation or divorce, feeling emotionally distanced and frustrated by the therapeutic process. If you identify as the “leaning out” partner, you may experience a sense of hopelessness or emotional detachment. For you, ending the relationship could feel like a necessary step toward freedom and a new beginning, or perhaps a painful farewell to what once was. Alternatively, you might be conflicted about the idea of leaving but feel drained and uninspired to make any positive changes.
Conversely, your partner might be expressing a strong desire to make things work, even while grappling with worries, confusion, or uncertainty about the path ahead. As the “leaning in” partner, you might actively engage in pursuing your partner, seeking resolutions or meaningful conversations, or you could find yourself withdrawing altogether. For couples in this position, traditional therapy approaches may not only fall flat but can create immense frustration and distress for both parties.
To navigate this complex dynamic, Bill Doherty of the Doherty Relationship Institute has introduced Discernment Counseling, a specialized process aimed at helping couples on the brink of separation to find clarity and confidence in their next steps.
What Outcomes Can You Expect from Discernment Counseling?
In Discernment Counseling, if you are the “leaning in” partner, your focus is on nurturing the relationship while acknowledging your role in its current challenges. If you are the “leaning out” partner, you may be contemplating separation or divorce but haven’t reached a final conclusion. This process ensures that both partners’ feelings and experiences are recognized and validated while the therapist maintains a neutral stance, refraining from taking sides.
What Does Discernment Counseling Involve?
Discernment Counseling typically occurs over a brief period, often spanning one to five sessions. By the conclusion, you and your partner will have clarity regarding one of three possible paths:
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Maintain the current state of the relationship
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Move toward separation or divorce
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Commit to working on the relationship utilizing couples therapy and additional resources, pushing the idea of divorce temporarily aside
Discernment Counseling vs. Traditional Couples Therapy
Discernment Counseling stands apart from traditional couples therapy, though some clinicians may be equipped to provide both. In the case of couples therapy, both partners engage simultaneously with the therapist to address joint concerns. In contrast, Discernment Counseling involves more intensive individual dialogues with the therapist, allowing each partner to articulate their thoughts and feelings about the relationship and its future trajectory. Each session also accommodates time for sharing reflections on these individual conversations with one another.
In traditional couples therapy, the focus is on establishing collective goals to tackle specific issues, such as healing from past hurts, navigating significant life transitions, or managing conflicts. Here, therapists guide couples in understanding their relational dynamics and assist them in implementing changes toward building a healthier partnership. However, the primary aim of Discernment Counseling is not to kickstart immediate adjustments but rather to facilitate a clearer understanding of what each individual desires moving forward—whether that entails packing, unpacking, or temporarily setting aside the baggage.
What Does “Success” Look Like in Discernment Counseling?
Success in Discernment Counseling is realized when both partners achieve a deeper understanding of their relationship dynamics and recognize their respective contributions to its challenges. This newfound clarity empowers each partner to make informed choices about their future, whether they decide to work on the relationship or part ways.
Upon completing Discernment Counseling, should you choose to pursue couples therapy, both partners will have a clearer grasp of relational dynamics and insights into personal areas for growth. This therapy can then serve as a platform to delve more deeply into existing issues and work toward repairing the relationship.
It’s crucial to understand that choosing separation or divorce after Discernment Counseling does not constitute failure. Instead, success is defined by the invaluable insights gained throughout the process. Ultimately, whether you decide to unpack shared experiences or pack your bags to move on, Discernment Counseling equips you both with the clarity and confidence necessary to navigate your next steps.
