The holiday season can be particularly challenging for families navigating co-parenting post-divorce. It’s no secret that letting go of old grudges and difficult memories of previous holidays can be a real struggle for divorced parents. For those who have recently ended a marriage, this time of year may evoke feelings of loneliness, stress, and emotional turmoil, especially if they lack new traditions and support networks.
As you navigate this festive time while co-parenting, it’s natural to feel anxious. However, prioritizing your child’s well-being and fostering a positive framework for their future relationships is essential.
Prioritize Your Child’s Happiness
During the holidays, remember that your child’s happiness should be your top priority. You may have concerns about whether they will have the same joyful experiences they once did, but instead of dwelling on these worries, focus on creating new, joyful memories that provide them with comfort and security.
Co-parenting often means your child faces juggling multiple family gatherings and splitting their time between parents. While this arrangement can be demanding, consider alternatives to ease their burden, such as opening gifts on Christmas Eve or hosting a festive meal a day after Christmas.
Flexibility during the holidays can significantly reduce your child’s stress. Evaluate your holiday plans—are they centered around your child, or do they cater more to you and your ex-spouse’s preferences?
Be Aware of Loyalty Conflicts
It is critical to avoid escalating your child’s feelings of loyalty conflict during the holiday season. Approach scheduling with flexibility, as your child may feel torn between two different families and traditions.
The holiday season can reignite old worries about family dynamics for children, leading them to ponder questions like, “How will my mom feel if I’m with my dad this year?” or “Will my dad feel excluded if I spend Christmas at my mom’s place?”
For children from divorced families, the holidays may serve as a stark reminder of their family’s division, which can create emotional conflicts. They often feel pulled in every direction and worry about disappointing either parent. Providing empathy and emotional guidance can help them navigate these complex feelings.
Emotional Coaching for Your Child
According to Dr. John Gottman’s Emotion Coaching model, there are five steps to nurture emotional intelligence in children, especially during the holidays:
- Recognize your child’s emotions.
- View their expression of feelings as an opportunity for connection and guidance.
- Listen empathetically and acknowledge their emotions.
- Help them articulate their feelings with appropriate vocabulary.
- Set boundaries while assisting them in problem-solving or addressing upsetting circumstances.
If your child appears anxious or misses their other parent, show understanding and remind them that it’s normal to experience increased stress during this season. A simple phone call with their other parent might alleviate their sadness.
5 Strategies for Co-Parenting During the Holidays:
- Always prioritize your child’s best interests. Children typically benefit from quality time with both parents. Be accommodating to ensure they can enjoy time with their extended family as well.
- Maintain positive communication with your ex-partner. Opt for emails or phone calls rather than texts, which can lead to misunderstandings. Treat your ex and their family with respect, refraining from speaking negatively about them to your child.
- Remember that your child has their own emotions during the holidays. Avoid placing them in the middle of your relationship with your ex. Resist the urge to interrogate them about their time with their other parent; instead, express joy if they share positive experiences.
- Validate your child’s feelings. Assure them that it’s acceptable to feel sad or miss the other parent during holiday celebrations. Avoid making them feel guilty for spending time away from you.
- Establish new holiday traditions that foster positive memories. Whether it’s visiting friends, attending events, volunteering, or sharing a special meal, embrace activities that can bring joy. Preserve successful old traditions while also exploring new experiences to create a joyful atmosphere.
Your goal is to cultivate new, uplifting holiday experiences that your child can cherish for years to come. Demonstrating respectful behavior towards your ex-spouse is crucial for a positive holiday experience. Children are astute observers of both verbal and non-verbal signals of tension, so strive to manage any underlying negative emotions. By cooperating with your child’s other parent, you create a positive environment filled with memories that will stand the test of time.
