One of the most pressing issues observed in couples therapy today is gaslighting. While the term has become somewhat cliché, the behaviors associated with it are increasingly prevalent in therapeutic settings.
Understanding Gaslighting
According to the American Psychological Association, gaslighting refers to the manipulation of another individual into questioning their own perceptions, experiences, or grasp of events.
As noted by Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, CGT, a gaslighter typically sidesteps accountability for their actions by suggesting that their partner has misinterpreted their words. This often manifests in an insinuation that the partner is overreacting. Dr. McNeil identifies various gaslighting behaviors in her San Diego practice, including:
- Negative body language paired with dismissive comments about the partner’s feelings or perspectives.
- A refusal to accept responsibility in misunderstandings or conflicts.
- Deliberately suggesting that the other person has made up a situation to instill doubt or challenge their reality.
- Interrupting the partner, preventing them from expressing their points or asking questions during disagreements.
- A lack of acknowledgment of the partner’s hurt feelings or an absence of empathy.
Individuals on the receiving end of gaslighting may struggle with self-doubt and internalize a belief that they are not putting enough effort into the relationship, often feeling guilty about voicing their concerns.
Gaslighting in Therapy Sessions
During therapy, couples may express themselves with phrases like:
- “You’re making things up.”
- “That never happened.”
- “You’re being dramatic.”
- “You’re blowing things out of proportion.”
- “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Dr. McNeil explains that gaslighters often display these behaviors due to several underlying issues:
- Low self-esteem, causing them to struggle with accountability.
- Difficulty managing their own emotions.
- A desire to “fix” their partner’s feelings, which often leads to minimizing their experiences to avoid feelings of inadequacy.
- A sense of losing control in the relationship, prompting them to seek power in unhealthy ways.
- Challenges in being influenced by their partner due to discomfort with vulnerability.
Addressing Gaslighting Behaviors
Often, by the time couples seek therapy, one partner is deeply questioning their role as a supportive partner. It is crucial to validate the experiences of the partner who has been manipulated and help them recognize the patterns of behavior they are facing. Empower them to discern what aspects of the relationship are within their control, rather than assuming full responsibility for the relationship troubles.
As a therapist, it is essential to maintain a positive outlook toward the gaslighter while guiding them to gain insight into their behaviors and how these impact the relationship. This realization can illuminate how their actions may be obstructing their ability to meet their own needs, a concept that may initially seem counterproductive.
Gottman Interventions for Couples Therapy
- Encourage each partner to share their subjective reality without necessarily agreeing with one another.
- Teach partners how to validate each other’s feelings and experiences.
- Direct couples toward using “I” statements when communicating.
- Introduce antidotes for defensiveness and criticism, such as softened start-up techniques and taking responsibility.
- Educate partners about softened start-ups, prompting them to express their emotions and needs even if their partner is reluctant to reciprocate.
- Practice ways to reconcile after conflicts or regrettable incidents.
Addressing gaslighting can be a formidable challenge for couples therapists. However, with the right strategies and support, these detrimental dynamics can be transformed, leading to healthier relationships.
