Understanding Female Friendship: Insights from ‘Bad Friend’ by Tiffany Watt Smith

The Complexities of Friendship

Friendships often evoke a sense of familiarity and ease, yet the reality can differ. As adults, individuals may anticipate a certain stability in their friendships, yet emotions such as anger or jealousy can disrupt this equilibrium. Tiffany Watt Smith’s book Bad Friend, serves as a candid exploration of the intricacies of female relationships, emphasizing that strife and dissatisfaction are common experiences.

A Personal Journey

Driven by her personal experiences, Watt Smith, a historian, delves into the world of women’s friendships in the 20th century. She recounts the fallout with her best friend, Sofia, which left her questioning her ability to maintain close bonds. This tension manifests even in trivial moments, such as when she hides a “BFF” T-shirt from her daughter, reflecting her internal conflict regarding friendship.

Reevaluating Expectations

Watt Smith argues that society holds unrealistic expectations of female friendships, leading to feelings of inadequacy. Her research indicates a historical lack of attention to women’s relational dynamics, primarily recorded by men. By examining the histories of imperfect friendships, she confronts the notion that connections must be flawless, advocating for a more realistic perspective.

“This book is about accepting friendships as they actually are, rather than as you would like them to be.”

Jealousy and Competition

Watt Smith acknowledges that jealousy can complicate friendships. Her relationship with Sofia deteriorated partly due to feelings of envy surrounding life milestones such as marriage and children. In a chapter titled “Traitor,” she investigates the shared sentiments of women across decades who have felt competitive or betrayed by friends celebrating successes.

The Historical Backdrop

The author scours historical documents, highlighting the experiences of women throughout the ages. One noteworthy reference includes a 17th-century poem by Katherine Phillips, who lamented the challenges that marriage imposed on friendships. This historical context underscores the recurrent themes of jealousy and disappointment in female relationships.

The Value of Honesty

While discussing the hardships of female friendships, Watt Smith does not diminish their value. She recounts profound stories, such as that of actress Cookie Mueller, whose friend and partner, Sharon Niesp, cared for her until her passing due to AIDS. Additionally, she reveals the supportive networks of women in Europe between 1200-1500, capturing both the challenges and triumphs faced within these communal relationships.

Acceptance and Reconnection

In the conclusion of her narrative, Watt Smith reconnects with Sofia, but their encounter lacks the warmth of former times. Their interaction is described as somewhat stilted, a reflection of the changes they both underwent. This open acknowledgment of evolving dynamics encapsulates the book’s thesis on embracing the realities of friendships, flawed yet meaningful.

Conclusion: A Blueprint for Real Friendships

Watt Smith’s work encourages readers to relinquish the need for idealized friendships. By confronting the inherent difficulties of relationships, women can foster friendships that, while imperfect, hold substantial meaning. Bad Friend: A Century of Revolutionary Friendships is a call to embrace the complexities of female connections, offering insights into sustaining valuable relationships amid life’s inevitable challenges.

For those interested, Bad Friend: A Century of Revolutionary Friendships by Tiffany Watt Smith is available for purchase from various retailers, including Faber.